Primordial Self Identifications

In what place does gender lie? In what space do these roles reside? Are we what we see ourselves to be? Or what may lay in another's eyes? This notion of definition has always befuddled me.  Can identity be of our own volition?  Or does the mirror's reflection make the final decision?  Never before have questions of gender roles been more pertinent. The call for gender equality is echoed through the corners of every city street.  Roles have altered, merged, reversed.  Sexuality now explores issues from biological sex to body image, personality, values, sexual orientation, self-esteem, relationships and more.  Moreso than ever before, women occupy positions of power; though the subtle echo of patriarchal sexism can still be heard down the avenues from wage disparity to personal hygiene.  What does it mean to be a woman?  A man? A human? As a society we have taken to the streets displaying our desire to break from tradition.  Emerging now is a new sense of self.  By raising awareness of the true diversity of identity, personal introspection can delve into realms previously unexplored and unaccepted.  Gender has become an amalgamation of every color in the spectrum, not stifled in the monochromatic.  Even undefined fluidity has become a possibility.  We have started circling so far outside the box one can be left dazed by the dizzying spirals.

Ever since my eyes first opened they have sought to rest on effigies of beauty.  Far before I have any concept of sexuality I have chased anything that sparks the muse.  Growing up, as soon as sexuality entered my mind I was aware that I was bisexual.  Once I became aware of this fact I have never faltered on that feeling; I find beauty in all aspects of the human form.  However my personal identification has never been so clear.  Adolescence altered my sense of self: I got a mohawk, lip piercings, wore ties and baggy, low-riding shorts, bound my chest and tried to wash away any lingering scent of femininity with each morning shower.  Gender fluidity carried me into new versions of my visage. And yet with the passage of time my heart sought novelty and grew with each new experience.  In adulthood I found a heart that could hold my own and with this sensation came a sense of realization, of acceptance of my role: perhaps my gender is not solely feminine but I am undeniably a woman and I find myself at times wrought with maternal instinct, submissive and nurturing, a slave to hopeless romanticism.  The sense of a domineering man has never left but my female dress is no longer a formal attire; my mask has two faces but carries a lady’s smile. Within these dichotomous feelings my artwork has morphed, made malleable by the everlasting fluid flux of my truest gender identity. As my art style has developed a clear motif has shown through – I have been attempting to portray a nonpareil, perhaps as myself, perhaps as another, perhaps in aesthetic pleasure, perhaps to explore the visage of an ideal lover.  This portrayal has shown itself by a litany of female protagonists in the stories I attempt to share in my work.  I have never been clear if the women I create are idols to a fantasy or a way to display how I would wish to be seen.  Creation is my meditation; a keyhole into the mind; an outlet to explore thoughts; a stand for my voice to be heard.  Passing through the portal of inhibition into true stream of consciousness, I allow the process to take control, diving into an intuitive journey.  Graphite and colored pencils are a sharp medium.  Their strokes are solid and unwavering.  In contrast to my unclear ideas on gender I seek the precise control that drawing offers. My work has a sense of the surreal mediated by the realistic solidity of my choice of media.  The distorted realism of my work is aimed to rest just outside the observer’s comfort-ability, beckoning them to join in inquiry.  My work seeks to spark a visceral curiosity by transporting the viewer out of their current state so that they, too, can learn to see what they may be.  

Trying to hold things together